Couples Who Laugh Together Stay Together!

Fifteen years ago, after a particularly difficult tenth year being married, I set out to prove that laughter was the key to a long, happy marriage. I wanted to prove my suspicion that couples who laugh together, stay together. I decided that people with white hair who walked around holding hands and laughing were the gold standard for coupledom. 

I interviewed hundreds of long term couples married from ten to sixty one years. The latter being Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara. The format for my conversations was a series of questions that I took from a course in stand up that I taught at UCLA for ten years. The reason I used it as inspiration was because when I work as a comic, people always say, “Stand up comedy? That’s the hardest thing, I could never do that, that takes so much courage!” 

But ten years in for us as a couple was rough and it had me wondering, “Really, stand up is hard? That takes courage? I think maybe marriage is a little harder. Stand up is an hour - two tops - you go back to your hotel, eat a pint of ice cream, pass out. The road version of this is a little more blue, but I’ll keep it clean here. Marriage is…a lot longer. 

That’s when I decided to pull out my UCLA syllabus. I was curious if there was anything I taught in a class for that “hardest thing” that might help with this hardest thing - which was finding laughter in a long marriage. Turned out there was a lot of help to be mined in this coursework. I wrote an article about what I discovered for Huffpo called, "Everything I Need to Know To Stay Happily Married I Learned Being a Comic."
This led to my research and writing of the book, “Take My Spouse, Please."

What I discerned in this process this process is that laughter itself, although physically and mentally healthy for any mammal, is actually the by-product of all these other communication tools being in place...Like showing up for each other even when you don’t feel like it (Chapter One), letting go of a bad moment and getting help when you need it, just to name three. And also that my instincts were right. Couples who know how to find laughter together do have greater resilience - and a better time. 

Fifteen years later I am proud to say this week we are celebrating our 25th anniversary. I definitely credit the time I spent talking to all these seasoned couples, marriage therapists, and religious leaders for their insight about what laughter means in couples and how to preserve the possibility of keeping both going - the laughter and the marriage. 

What’s interesting is that over the decade and a half since the book came out, I have seen how these same comedians’ tools that help couples find laughter and connection - and build trust - are effective for all human relationships. 

As the end of the year draws near with its almost reflexive reflection and debate on how to celebrate the milestone, you may find yourself scratching your head wondering, is there anything I can do this year that won’t be the same old same old? Is there a way to bring my family, my friends or my company together to do something other than drink “Holiday” punch and dodge the mistletoe taped to the doorway? Is there some way people can go in to 2027 feeling just a little more connected with each other. 

Yes, and there is! 

Yes, and as you can probably anticipate, I know some very talented people who are really good at this.