Successful People Ask for Help

Sunday morning I woke up with a start and said to myself, Dani, you need to call your old boss and get some solid, practical advice. So I did. It was a great conversation. Thoughtful, revealing, reflective and full of wisdom. Not only that, it was his birthday. Eighty years young. Grateful to be able to make that call. And according to renowned author and psychologist Angela Duckworth, Phd, a very healthy instinct! In her recent Op Ed piece in the NY Times, “I Study Successful People, They Have One Thing in Common,” that “thing” is the willingness to ask for help. 

Thinking about this  reminded me of the show Who Wants to Be A Millionaire? On my mind possibly because Jimmy Kimmel just won an Emmy award for hosting this show. More likely because I watched an episode this summer and remembered that they have a “Phone-a-friend” option. A contestant has one chance to call a friend for help. I don’t watch game shows regularly but in my mind when the player draws a blank, the audience eggs them on chanting, “MAKE THAT CALL!”

This may or may not be true, but I am going to bet that Ms. Duckworth is not a consultant on the show. And yet, she could be. Because following her groundbreaking book Grit in which she revealed that grit outperforms talent, she has more discoveries in her next book “Situated.” These are all about abandoning the lone-wolf stoicism that defines so many leaders. 

"Being a successful self-starter doesn’t mean pulling yourself up by your bootstraps. It’s raising your hand and asking a teacher to explain, once again, a concept you still don’t understand. It’s calling up a former boss for advice. It’s announcing to your team that you’re stuck on an important problem and need their collective brain to solve it. It’s not just stoically making the best of a bad situation - it’s proactively making your situation more supportive.”

What I find most interesting about the results of Duckworth’s research here is that it’s the opposite of what we might think successful people do. Maybe it’s just my hero’s journey mindset but you, (okay maybe just I), always think that the person at the head of the table, so to speak, has it all together. They don’t need help! They’re gifted! They don’t need Claude or a therapist or 4 12-step programs, or Buddha or a “Happiness” expert, you get the point. Turns out, they do! Because we all do. I was also excited to read that my “phone a boss for advice” instinct means I have a lot in common with successful people. 

Despite my fantasizing about superheroes masquerading as people, asking for help is definitely something I include in any talks with caregivers; professionals or family members. I particularly appreciate that in the article Duckworth knows her audience. She makes a point to bust and then reiterate the fallacy of the largely American belief that we need to “do it all” on our own.

“Without exception, every high performer I’ve studied credits a host of supporters for success. Research has found that a willingness to ask for help is crucial to achievement.”

Nevertheless, asking for help is not easy for many of us. Whether it's in service of achievement or needing a break caring for children or parents - or any caregiving. Where a business leader or entrepreneur can see the limits of their expertise glaring at them from spreadsheets, P&L statements and board meeting minutes, a caregiver rarely has these kinds of metrics to justify, in their minds anyway, asking for help. Duckworth has good news to share about this: 

“Don’t assume you’re being a burden when you reach out asking for help. Research shows we consistently underestimate how happy it makes others to lend a hand." 

Her recognition of our reticence to ask for help is a good reminder for us to check in with the caregivers in our lives. An hour break can have real value. So can resources, organizations, podcasts, and of course, opportunities for laughter.