August Challenge: Laughing With Friends Not At Them!

It's summer, it's hot, and not all of us have houses by the beach. I've made it to the Pacific more than once this year, and though I feel a little guilty admitting it, I don't hate that the water's 72 degrees. I know global warming has something to do with that, but it's hard to focus on climate change while I'm bobbing in clear blue water with no wetsuit feeling lucky. Almost thirty years in, and I still  marvel that I live in California.

What's not so marvelous is the rise of "comedy roast" humor. Not the smoothest segue, but the popularity of celebrity roasting has been creeping into everyday culture in a way I find…not that funny. Maybe it's because I spend more time in healthcare than in comedy clubs or on college campuses. Maybe it's six decades of absorbing the slings and arrows of "edgy" material. Either way, in the interest of bringing awareness to this rising tide, I present three types of humor that earn the label "cutting." But, keep reading because there is a solution! 

Sarcasm. Kids fall in love with it the moment they learn it, and since nearly every sitcom hands it to its funniest characters, it's easy to pick up. The word comes from the Greek sarkázein — "to tear flesh," or "to sneer." In practice, it’s saying the opposite of what you mean, in a tone that makes sure everyone catches the joke except the person it's aimed at. There are a few videos going around Instagram right now that are entirely sarcastic. I fall for every one of them. My family calls it my "childlike wonder." It’s a nice way of saying I'm gullible. What it means really is that I can be an easy mark. I watch these videos genuinely worried the people in them are being taken advantage of. Then I feel stupid, and like a sucker, and a little embarrassed. Which is the point, really. If you want a laugh at the expense of making someone feel foolish, sarcasm is remarkably efficient. Pas moi.

Mockery. This one's very tempting. I love putting on an accent, imitating the way someone walks or twitches, trying on someone else’s quirks. Once an actor always an actor. Not so much fun for real people. Although caricatures are great material for SNL, and for the millions of people happy to do impressions of the current leader of the free world, they can be hurtful IRL 

Putting People Down. Just writing that phrase makes me think of siblings. I still remember my sister calling me "Lolita" in the '80s when I showed up to a family function in a short, tight black skirt. It wasn't a compliment. I see the same dynamic now with my boys, who aren't boys anymore but still rib each other without mercy. Blood ties give you a little more leeway here, though I've never loved it. The line between ribbing and lacerating is dangerously easy to cross. Outside the family, I don't get the appeal at all. You might get a laugh, but what you'll usually get is a flat "Right?" or "Good one" from someone who doesn’t make eye contact. 

Here’s the great news! As free thinking humans, we don’t have to engage in any of this! We can free ourselves from the shackles of insult humor and embrace some silliness. We don’t need a nose and glasses to make people laugh in a way that comes as relief rather than a tearing of flesh. Here are 3 ways to make people laugh that might not give you your own comedy special but will not make people wish they hadn’t talked to you. 

• Making fun of inanimate objects or your irrational love, hatred or fear of them

• Exaggerating the insanity of a shared experience: a family reunion, traffic, a packed subway, a day at the office, etc 

• A little self-deprecation about a skill that no one pays you to do 

These thoughts might read as Pollyanna righteousness. But honestly, I do feel a little righteous about it. Life is hard enough. Laughing with other people, not at them, takes some of the pressure off. It costs nothing, and with a little self-awareness, or better yet, “humor awareness,” we can joke around in a way that helps people feel better, not worse!