I’ve been doing a lot of walking by myself lately. On the bike path along the L.A. River. It’s not the safest place to wander alone, but there is water and trees nestled in concrete and sometimes there are ducks.
Several times recently a man approaches me from the other direction. Not necessarily a menacing looking guy, but I’m alone and it’s usually dusk and you know, better safe than….eye contact. That’s my instinct as he passes. Don’t make eye contact. Which recently I have found ironic since I spend more time than most talking about how valuable eye contact is for helping people feel safe and connected.
Particularly seniors, but truly in most other communication too. Business, marriage, with dogs and of course with babies. Eye contact is a primal tool for connection in all mammals. Although I can’t speak for whales. Whether welcome or not, looking into someone’s eyes is an invitation of sorts. Which is exactly why I follow through with my impulse not to lock eyes with a strange man by the LA river as the sun is setting.
Decades ago I was in the movie “The Doors” with Val Kilmer - may he rest in peace. I played a reporter in a few press junket scenes with epicly teased hair. Other than throwing out a question at him from across a hotel room, we had no contact. Rumor on the set was that you could not make eye contact with him. I’ve heard this about other luminaries too. Some say it’s for privacy, others because they don’t want to break character, others because they don’t want to invite conversation. There’s that word again.
In mulling all of this over I came across some other interesting facts about eye contact. According to MIT, in many East Asian cultures, sustained eye contact can be viewed as aggressive, disrespectful and rude. But not here in the U.S. For us, looking into people’s eyes communicates trust and feels like the person is being attentive. In our culture one surefire way to keep people from seeing you is to avert their gaze completely. (For the record I am talking specifically about sighted people. I realize I could be wading out into tricky waters. I am definitely not saying that the only way to know a person is to look deeply into their eyes, like some romance novel prescription.)
The point I am making here is about the power of eye contact - to deflect or connect - depending on what you want. This is particularly worth noting with older people. Many times over the years I would see younger adults talking over an elder, “She doesn’t look good today,” or “I don’t think that’s his sweater,” or “He doesn’t seem happy, does he seem happy to you?’
Let’s not do this. Even when someone has lost the ability to speak, you can and should include them by looking in their eyes.. Unlike my twilight walks, in these circumstances, eye contact can create safety.
And it’s not just for people with memory loss. It’s your barista. Your dry cleaner. The person bagging your groceries at Trader Joe’s. We feel this instinctively, which is why when we want to protect ourselves from being seen we look away. If your safety is at stake, it’s a great instinct. In almost every other situation, research confirms that looking up from our devices and meeting someone’s eyes boosts not just their mood, but ours too.
It’s also something AI can’t quite do—at least not yet. Maybe one day robots will be able to mimic it perfectly, but for now, this tiny, human act of recognition is all ours.
